Saturday, October 1, 2011

Soul Malaise and a Message to the Universe

I've felt totally uninspired to blog the past two weeks.  I've been in a funk--heartbroken and sick with soul malaise (a coined term from a friend). 

I've written about, prayed about, and been on a discernment journey for quite some time.  It's been very rough at times and other times pure joy!  I know I've grown from my icky, squirmy experiences and that I'm a better person for them.  I have met the most fantastic people and grown from them too. 

I'm a journeyer...a seeker...a questioner...I've been trying to find my way--where I most feel at home.  Where I can be the me I was created to be.  Where I can live out where I believe and experience God calling me.  (Hello...can we say...baptismal promise...here folks?)

I just hit a gigantic road block...smack in my face...stopped me dead in my tracks.  Ouch.

I tried being mad a God.  Didn't work.  It's people that got in the way; not God.  People that may think they know God's voice in my heart better, or clearer than me.  I don't accept that; no one knows how God is speaking to you but you.  I guess it's a big part of our faith journey...dealing with the people who get in the way.  Look at what Jesus had to deal with!  Read about the Saints...see what they had to deal with to live out their call sometimes! 

To the universe and the people that get in the way, I want to say...

LOOK...I am a woman of God...faith-filled and willing to serve.  I have a lot to give and an immense heart that's ready and capable of great loving.  I have gifts that I'm willing and ready to share.  I am willing to be on the journey...no matter how hard it is.  I will make mistakes and I will grow. I will challenge and I will be challenged. I will love and I want to be loved for who I am not who you'd like me to be or how you think I should be. I'm a learner, a perseverer, and committed.  I will follow the Spirit speaking within and around me as best as I can.  I will find home...and live as God is calling me. 


As much as it hurts me and cuts through everything I have known and loved for a long time--I'm back on the journey to find my "home"...the place where I belong.  It's a little harder to trust the Spirit this time.  A little harder to trust that voice of God in me.  It's a little harder to see what's possible.  But...I will find it....and when I do, I'll live it.

7 comments:

Sarah :) said...

You rock so hard.

And yeah, after this whole mess made me lose faith in the universe, I eventually realized it wasn't the universe that did this, it was people. I lost my faith in the people. The universe can always be trusted, but people put big rocks on the path. The rocks make for great growth opportunities at immense cost. Some good must come from this, and God is right with you and so are we.

Soul Malaise Buddies for the win!

Janelle said...

Amen, sister. I love you SO MUCH!

MikeF said...

I only just found this, Katy. I too have been hitting some potholes, for rather different reasons, but your tone of voice sounded all too familiar. Hang in there - you're being prayed for in some unexpected places...

Anonymous said...

did you leave your congregation?

Kelly_SSJ/A said...

prayers....and amen to that message to the universe!

Bev Oliveri said...

Hang in there Katy. You will find your "home". The Spirit moves in many ways. Keep the faith you will succeed.
Peace,
Bev

Anonymous said...

She did not leave her community...her community left her.