Jabba the Yuck

Ok...so my blog is not entitled "Religious life...the land of rainbows and butterflies" for a reason! I am the queen of acknowledging the positive and eliminating the YUCK; but I had one of these profound revelations that I will attempt to share...it's filled with YUCK YUCK and more YUCK...but it's real and reality is part of this life adventure that I promised to share with you!

My image of YUCK is Jabba the Hut with the Mr. Yuck face:

Here we go...fasten your seat belts and pray (it will be a minor miracle if I actually publish this.)

Transition is one of those FABULOUS formation words that has a completely different meaning once you enter religious life. When I entered, people talk about "transition" as a state of being, a personality, an attitude...I'm finally starting to put some meaning behind my own reactions to being in "transition". (a brief aside for those who don't know me personally...I can be, well slightly animated and I have a way of saying TRANSITION that encompasses what this meaning is. When I figure out how to record my voice onto the blog...I'll add an audio :) )

So I'm in transition...on like every possible level imaginable--formation transition, living group transition, ministry transition...and there's probably more, but that seems like a good start. It takes me longer than I'd often like to come to some understandings of my reactions to things. This is partly because I have a tendency to hibernate and partly because I am an information gatherer by nature. I look for the info, the logic, and then the application.

This period of transitions for me is starting to at least be clear as far as what I'm reacting to and why. So I have the info, I'm starting to fit together the logic...and hopefully sometime in this century I'll figure out the application. :-)

The last two years of novitiate...there was an intense focus on the Katy-factor, as it should be. It was filled with the joys of GROWTH and trying to figure out this religious life stuff. Last year was a little bit of ministry, a little bit of school, a little bit about the vows...I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm integrating...woo hoo.

Then it happens and in typical Katy fashion...all at once...I have a new ministry, I'm a vowed girl, and my living group changes. No problem...I can handle this...I don't fear change...in fact change is part of the adventure...I LOVE ADVENTURES.

I don't give myself much leeway for well...anything. I was aware that all of these things were transitioning at once, but I was trying to react to them as individual events; as if this happening at once doesn't affect my being. I tend to be an extremist...so I was just plain down on myself pretty quickly for not "figuring it out" immediately. (I didn't say I was logical; I said I looked for the logic).

To be completely honest...my extremist personality said, "Ok...Kate...you are not perfect enough in your ministry, you are not perfect enough in community, you are not perfect enough...yadda yadda yadda. This is kind of a big yuck-o place to be. Especially after the extreme high of entering a new ministry and vowie wowies.

So I finally succumbed to the fact that I am in transition AGAIN. And it's like the quadruple whammy transition...not just your run-of-the-mill T-time. It wasn't the succumbing to being in transition that was a realization it was the "oh crap, I can identify (FINALLY) more of the whys and the behaviors...and what I can do about them" that is the part that has me in shock.
So I've identified a few of the YUCKS that perhaps can help me move beyond this blobby yuck funk that I am trying to EMBRACE.

**Relationships--oooh one of my core values (and I'm surprised that this is an issue for me?)
I realized that I love my job because I try to be a relationship builder (although that is my biggest challenge right now...but that's another entry for another time) as a school principal. Because I made this HUGE shift into a very consuming ministry...I think part of my struggle is feeling disconnected with relationships which are important to me. I don't see my friends, family, or community as much as I'd like. I don't connect with the people regularly anymore. I also came off of this relational high preparing for vows, especially my pre-vow retreat. I thrust myself into ministry, ministry, ministry...no balance...little integration happening here. Hmmmm.....

**God time and Katy time
Yeah...see relationships and multiply this by 5 million. I need, need, need to take time out for God time and me time. When I don't take time for this, I am usually overwhelmed and almost over the edge. I find too, particularly with this ministry...I need that down time for myself and prayer just to re-energize myself for the next day. I am not so disciplined in this and will usually excuse myself from it because of being tired. What I realize when I do take this time, I have more energy. My spiritual director (brilliant) asked me to be intentional...not judge myself about the how long, how much...is it ENOUGH (see a theme here?)...but just be intentional. So for the past month...I have lit a candle every night before bed (I haven't missed a night!). Some nights I lit it and blew it out and went to sleep, other nights I lit it and sat watching the flame, a few evenings...I even reflected for a while! I just did what I could at that moment...and it has made a world of difference on my YUCK factor.

There are a few other insights...but I'll stick with these for now. So what am I learning...nothing new...it's the same darn lessons; over and over and over and over again. The relationship thing was a big revelation because I think being disconnected (I think that's a feeling? right?) is having a big impact on me and challenging my value and my commitment. Instead of immediately owning this thought of "disconnectedness"...I get paranoid and usually come down on myself pretty hard. But when I realized..."oh Kate...let's call this Yuck monster disconnected" I can now do something about it.

All this babbling really boils down to is two words: BALANCE (grrrrr) and INTEGRATION. This stage of my religious life calls me to this in a very profound way. How do I maintain healthy relationships? How do I balance ministry and community and...and...and...? WOO hoo...I've been working on my goals..viola!

Yep...I've gathered some info...I can apply some logic to what I'm experiencing and thinking (thank GOD)...and the application I'm sure will be in the journey. That is tough...as soon as I figure it out...I want IT to happen. At least at this point I know what's "missing" and can take some action in addressing it.

There you have it, but don't be alarmed, in the grand scheme of things I'm good; ministry is good; community is GOOD...but reality does exist here. I am called to love...that's what I vowed; love when it's easy...love when it's hard. Loving, learning....all part of the journey. Religious life is real...and real includes the YUCK too. :-)

Catholic Herald Article

2 weeks ago, our Catholic newpaper in Milwaukee featured an article for their vocations section.

http://www.chnonline.org/vocations/current/special_supp_front.html

Enjoy!

GO PACK GO

3-0, top of the division, Bret has tied the record for TD passes, we beat the highly favored SD Chargers...and I WAS THERE! WOOO HOOOOOO!

My mom's boyfriend, Rick has tickets to 4 games each year and I'm always teasing him that he should take me instead of my mom because I LOVE football and my mom thinks going to Lambeau is better people watching. So Friday night, I said, "c'mon please...take me!" and jokingly he said, "Well if someone cancels...you're our #1 backup!" Saturday morning Rick called! WOOO HOOO.....

Yes we were lucky recipients of the PROUD 2B LOUD towels too!

The worst part was having to be at the park n ride at 7:15 this morning (ugh)...but it was so worth it. They played a fantastic game. It was truly one of the most exciting games of football I have ever seen and to be RIGHT THERE was awesome. Lambeau is crazy...crazy fans...and when the PACK do something great...everyone is your new best friend. It was totally exhilarating.

Now...I'm kaput..

Have a great week ya'll! GO PACK GO!

Quick Update and a Request!

Hi ya'll....

Two in one week...my my...aren't you all lucky!

Here's the update:
I've had this icky cold the past couple days and today was the first day in a long time (even pre-cold) that I came home with energy! The sun was shining..it was great...I went for a nice walk, which I haven't done since Labor Day weekend! That's pathetic...I love walking what's my problem? Anyway...then landed at Sr. Toni and Sr. Charlita's house to visit. Toni and I played cribbage (she won both, but she trys to steal points...and I won the rule argument. I called Sr. Mary the cribbage guru and indeed she affirmed my right-ness; I digress...). Now I'm home trying to finish my newsletter and feeling a bit uninspired at the moment. Will have to finish tomorrow.

Here's the context for the request:
I'm a big dork...I've watched my vow video a couple times (these past couple weeks). It's neat because something sticks out differently each time. I watch the "highlights" of course...and I've listened to Sr. Mary Ann's homily a few times. Each time I hear it a little differently; she was THAT GOOD, and a different message emerges. It's neat to see all the people who were there. I get that same beaming, excited, sparkly, YES THIS WAS THE BEST DAY EVER experience when I watch it. It's happy and I'm happy and content with my life! It's a nice mediation to pray with. It's great to have this video memory; what a gift.

Which brings me to my request...
I can post video on my blog, but not quite sure how. We are getting a clip edited in a .wmd file from the company that did the videography, but I was also thinking I could get some of this puppy on my blog from the DVD...does anyone know how to do that??? Leave me a comment...awards and e-prizes of e-affirmation will be yours!

Now..I have to get ready for my evening routine...I love my job...I HATE 5a.m.

Group Retreat Weekend

Last weekend, my "live-ers" (the Sisters I live with) and me went away for a group retreat! We stayed at the Log House which is a part of the Cedar Valley Retreat Center in West Bend, WI.

We are a "new group" in many ways: Sr. Jan just joined us in July. Sr. Arlene and Sr. Beth have been with us for a year, but last year was unique with Sr. Arlene's traveling schedule and Sr. Beth's recovery from her accident; it was just Sr. Phyllis and me most of the year! And we are SO excited that we have Deb with us too. Deb is a woman who will be our new affiliate (see Nunspeak...formation stage numero uno if you need a refresher)!!! She will be officially affiliating with us on September 30th. YAY...it's very exciting. So we are 6...a big group!

With all of the "newness" and working off the adage of, "When one of us is new...we are all new"; it's a good practice in community to have sometime together to talk about how you want to share life with one another. We all bring expectations, ideas, and "non-negotiables" to how we want to live community. Getting together to focus on putting those things out on the table is a good way to start. Going away (rather than our living room, for example) allows us to really be present to the group and the weekend with fewer distractions that being at home would encounter.

So we gathered, we prayed, we played, we planned, we discussed, we negotiated, and we shared pieces of ourselves in order to begin to form our community life together. We had some deep sharing and also the important "nitty gritty" discussions (you know..who's cooking, who's cleaning, calendering...all those important detail things!)

I created our prayer service and discussion process using mandala as our framework (See April 19th entry "Run Away..with God" if you don't know what mandala is). We started with this blank mandala...if you notice, there are six circles along the perimeter and the same circle is in the very center. At one point in our prayer and sharing we colored in one of the outer circles to represent ourselves.

The mandala was left out throughout the weekend and people were welcome to add to it as they wished. To close our discussion, we each completed 1/6 of the center circle to symbolize our individuality/uniqueness coming together. The picture to the left is still mandala in progress....

We closed with a beautiful prayer service that Sr. Phyllis prepared on water and washing of the feet. Here are some pictures: To the right, is Deb washing Sr. Jan's feet.

And to the left, Sr. Arlene washing Deb's feet. Below is Sr. Beth washing Sr. Arlene's feet.

This washing of feet ritual is one of these recurring themes in my life. The first one was when I was accepted into affiliation on Holy Thursday and the Provies read the washing of the feet scripture and adapted it a bit and washed my hands.

I can be such a Peter-esque person in these situations! (Not something I like to admit either!) I remember thinking...Provincials...washing my hands really? I should be washing yours, Provies! Duh...Katy...duh...that's such a "duh, smack you in the face until you get it moment".

The first time I had my feet washed at a Holy Thursday service was one of these profound "God Moments" in my life. Very humbling...I still think about it. I even wrote some poetry (not something I'm moved to do very often) about that experience.

SO...in my life when things come around and around AND AROUND, (Hmm...kinda like a spiral, SMAM?) I'm learning that perhaps I should be attentive to this. These feet washing moments are becoming present to me more and more. I always seem to have some reaction to it that surprises me.

If I have a few spaces these next weeks...I'd like to reflect on that a bit. I think it's a good metaphor too for how we are living out our vows...stay tuned...I'll post something if I figure it out (ha! If I have some space...well gotta have goals.)

I'll post one more picture of the "finished product". My spiritual director is an artist, I saw her Friday and brought our mandala along to see if she could help me cut some matting to fit it. We played a bit and ended up framing it with some strings and paper around it. It looks great. We'll hang it in our living room to remind us of our weekend and our commitment to one another. Sorry it's a bit dark...I didn't want the flash to bounce of the glass...but trust me..it's cool! :-)

Now I HAVE to END this entry!!! It's 10:45 and I really should be in bed. I'm starting to get a cold (can we say STRESS...I hope I'm not starting my 3 week cycle of stress colds again. Grrrrrr) and 5:00 a.m. comes too quickly!

Peace out All!