Sunday, October 30, 2011

Trust in America

On my way to a hotel about 1.5 hours away for work this week, I was listening to NPR (my only choice in radio these days) All Things Considered.  They featured a segment entitled: Trust in America" height="386" wmode="opaque" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" base="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash">

It was fascinating to me to hear whom people trust and whom people don't.  Justin economist from UPenn's Wharton Business School who is studing trust...he trusts his mom.  Tom Brokaw...most trusted TV journalist in America...well, he trusts his wife.  Gallup has been polling people since the 70's regarding trust. 

It was an ironic segment for what is going on in my life right now.  I'm struggling with trust in the "institutions", in "leadership", in anything beyond secure, individual relationships that have withstood the time tests.  Breakdown of trust is detrimental to institutions and untrustworthy leadership leads to corruption, greed, and poor leadership and decision making.  

How do we develop trust when trust has been shattered?  Whether it be in the large scheme of an institution or on personal level...breakdown of trust can be loathsome and heart wrenching. 

One poingnat concept from this interview that I heard was to think about the "incentives facing those who are making decisions"...from a business standpoint that makes sense.  Where are the conflicts of interest that are forming biases in leadership?  Can we trust them? 

Whom do I trust?  This is one of my lifelong has been broken and rebuilt, broken and rebuilt, and then shattered once more.  I trust God.  I trust myself...some of the time.  I definately don't trust the institutions right now, but I will think more about what incentives come from poor decision making from this point forward to gain some perspective.

Thanks NPR always considering all things... 

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Soul Malaise and a Message to the Universe

I've felt totally uninspired to blog the past two weeks.  I've been in a funk--heartbroken and sick with soul malaise (a coined term from a friend). 

I've written about, prayed about, and been on a discernment journey for quite some time.  It's been very rough at times and other times pure joy!  I know I've grown from my icky, squirmy experiences and that I'm a better person for them.  I have met the most fantastic people and grown from them too. 

I'm a journeyer...a seeker...a questioner...I've been trying to find my way--where I most feel at home.  Where I can be the me I was created to be.  Where I can live out where I believe and experience God calling me.  (Hello...can we say...baptismal folks?)

I just hit a gigantic road block...smack in my face...stopped me dead in my tracks.  Ouch.

I tried being mad a God.  Didn't work.  It's people that got in the way; not God.  People that may think they know God's voice in my heart better, or clearer than me.  I don't accept that; no one knows how God is speaking to you but you.  I guess it's a big part of our faith journey...dealing with the people who get in the way.  Look at what Jesus had to deal with!  Read about the Saints...see what they had to deal with to live out their call sometimes! 

To the universe and the people that get in the way, I want to say...

LOOK...I am a woman of and willing to serve.  I have a lot to give and an immense heart that's ready and capable of great loving.  I have gifts that I'm willing and ready to share.  I am willing to be on the matter how hard it is.  I will make mistakes and I will grow. I will challenge and I will be challenged. I will love and I want to be loved for who I am not who you'd like me to be or how you think I should be. I'm a learner, a perseverer, and committed.  I will follow the Spirit speaking within and around me as best as I can.  I will find home...and live as God is calling me. 

As much as it hurts me and cuts through everything I have known and loved for a long time--I'm back on the journey to find my "home"...the place where I belong.  It's a little harder to trust the Spirit this time.  A little harder to trust that voice of God in me.  It's a little harder to see what's possible.  But...I will find it....and when I do, I'll live it.