New steps...Retiring

After much consideration...I've decided to retire my blog.  My life has had significant changes in the last 2 years and I need to close this chapter to begin another.  I haven't decided if I will begin a new blog or not...if I do, I will post the link on this page.  For now...I'm just remaining on the journey...one foot in front of the other.  

Thank you so much to my loyal readers! 

Peace and all good,
Katy

Create a Chapel

I had the opportunity on a gorgeous autumn day to wander around the Anderson Japanese Gardens in Rockford, IL.  Their initial screen on the web page states: "...offering a place of peace and tranquility where they will find healing, renewal, inspiration, and a re-energized soul..."  Well...shoot...just what I needed!

Reflective, quiet time has been a struggle since I've been struck with major soul malaise (see post).  In fact, my spiritual director said I should announce a "snit"...an absence of requiring myself and "should-ing" myself into my normal patterns and expectations of prayer.  Let God meet me where I'm at kinda thing.  So people...I'm in a SNIT and approved and ready to activate SNIT. 

I was gifted with a glorious, crisp, sunny autumn day and some time to wander.  I found the beauty comforting and the time and space to think somewhat healing.  It dawned on me that it was the feast of All Saints (11-1-11); part of my snit is not including liturgical prayer.  I love liturgy; it's one of my most favorite expressions of prayer. It speaks to me of COMMUNITY and coming together.  I've lived community, been the living body of Christ, being Eucharist to those with whom I encounter in ministry and community life.  Part of my soul malaise is experiencing deep pain in being in community situations.  It pierces me deeply; inconsolable pain.  Going to Mass was not going to happen for me this All Saints.   Feeling the guilt and then remembering my spiritual director's advice to let God meet me where I'm at formed a sense of calm and invitation to "create a chapel" in the space I'm in--physically, spiritually, psychologically.  This Haiku emerged:

Create a chapel--

Embracing silence, beauty

God met me in me.

 I only had my cell phone to take pictures and thanks to perfect light conditions and the most vibrant colors I've ever seen...I got some great shots.  Nothing fancy, but some are really cool.  I of course put it to music which touches into where I'm at too.  This piece is called "Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson.

To my Saints...thank you for your prayerful guidance.  To my Souls...I pray for you.  To my God...thank you for meeting me inside of me.  I continue to hold on to the thread...

Trust in America

On my way to a hotel about 1.5 hours away for work this week, I was listening to NPR (my only choice in radio these days) All Things Considered.  They featured a segment entitled: Trust in America

http://www.npr.org/v2/?i=141844751&m=141844832&t=audio" height="386" wmode="opaque" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" base="http://www.npr.org" type="application/x-shockwave-flash">

It was fascinating to me to hear whom people trust and whom people don't.  Justin Wolfers...an economist from UPenn's Wharton Business School who is studing trust...he trusts his mom.  Tom Brokaw...most trusted TV journalist in America...well, he trusts his wife.  Gallup has been polling people since the 70's regarding trust. 

It was an ironic segment for what is going on in my life right now.  I'm struggling with trust in the "institutions", in "leadership", in anything beyond secure, individual relationships that have withstood the time tests.  Breakdown of trust is detrimental to institutions and untrustworthy leadership leads to corruption, greed, and poor leadership and decision making.  

How do we develop trust when trust has been shattered?  Whether it be in the large scheme of an institution or on personal level...breakdown of trust can be loathsome and heart wrenching. 

One poingnat concept from this interview that I heard was to think about the "incentives facing those who are making decisions"...from a business standpoint that makes sense.  Where are the conflicts of interest that are forming biases in leadership?  Can we trust them? 

Whom do I trust?  This is one of my lifelong quests...trust has been broken and rebuilt, broken and rebuilt, and then shattered once more.  I trust God.  I trust myself...some of the time.  I definately don't trust the institutions right now, but I will think more about what incentives come from poor decision making from this point forward to gain some perspective.

Thanks NPR always considering all things... 

Soul Malaise and a Message to the Universe

I've felt totally uninspired to blog the past two weeks.  I've been in a funk--heartbroken and sick with soul malaise (a coined term from a friend). 

I've written about, prayed about, and been on a discernment journey for quite some time.  It's been very rough at times and other times pure joy!  I know I've grown from my icky, squirmy experiences and that I'm a better person for them.  I have met the most fantastic people and grown from them too. 

I'm a journeyer...a seeker...a questioner...I've been trying to find my way--where I most feel at home.  Where I can be the me I was created to be.  Where I can live out where I believe and experience God calling me.  (Hello...can we say...baptismal promise...here folks?)

I just hit a gigantic road block...smack in my face...stopped me dead in my tracks.  Ouch.

I tried being mad a God.  Didn't work.  It's people that got in the way; not God.  People that may think they know God's voice in my heart better, or clearer than me.  I don't accept that; no one knows how God is speaking to you but you.  I guess it's a big part of our faith journey...dealing with the people who get in the way.  Look at what Jesus had to deal with!  Read about the Saints...see what they had to deal with to live out their call sometimes! 

To the universe and the people that get in the way, I want to say...

LOOK...I am a woman of God...faith-filled and willing to serve.  I have a lot to give and an immense heart that's ready and capable of great loving.  I have gifts that I'm willing and ready to share.  I am willing to be on the journey...no matter how hard it is.  I will make mistakes and I will grow. I will challenge and I will be challenged. I will love and I want to be loved for who I am not who you'd like me to be or how you think I should be. I'm a learner, a perseverer, and committed.  I will follow the Spirit speaking within and around me as best as I can.  I will find home...and live as God is calling me. 


As much as it hurts me and cuts through everything I have known and loved for a long time--I'm back on the journey to find my "home"...the place where I belong.  It's a little harder to trust the Spirit this time.  A little harder to trust that voice of God in me.  It's a little harder to see what's possible.  But...I will find it....and when I do, I'll live it.

Living Intentionally: An Inner Excavation Day Part II

I've spent the last several hours praying with, playing with, journaling, and creating with the word enthusiasm.  (If you'd like to know why...read Living Intentionally...Part I)

I don't know that I came any closer to the answers to my questions, but I did have some interesting experiences!  First I went on an image walk...I took my camera and snapped photos of things that stood out to me in relationship to my word enthusiasm.  Here's a little montage (Gotta have a...MONTAGE)

Grass growing

Going down backwards!

Pinwheels!

Add caption

My car has "insight"

 Pretty random stuff. I think.  Things that represent play, energy, and growth are the themes I see that connect all of them. 

I did some photos of me walking and skipping too...

Just for fun.  See what enthusiasm might look like from my head to my feet.  :-)


Then, I created these eyedropper ink pictures...which one do you think spoke to me the most of enthusiasm?

1

2

3

If you said #2 you're......................WRONG!  Actually, when I sat with the pictures, it was #3 that stood out.  Something about the girl seems more real...genuine and contemplative.  #2 is the "Tap-dancer"...you know the type--center of attention, always keeping the party alive.  I think the Tap-dancer has surface enthusiasm, but #3 is has it buried deep within and only comes out on special occasions.  She is the "Questioner"--taking her experiences and letting them soak in. 

I used to be the Tap-dancer.  I was enthusiastic on the outside about almost anything!  I had a big shift in me a couple years ago while my journey led me down a long and unknown path.  I found this person who is quite reflective, contemplative, and introverted.  It was such a relief for me to find this part of myself because it really fit me; I'm much more comfortable in my own skin.  Whereas...when I was tap-dancing...it was at great effort sometimes to keep that energy going.  The Questioner me likes to take in my surroundings and let the process germinate before reacting.  When I am experiencing enthusiasm...it's usually a combo package of energy and deep passion for something I believe strongly in.  It's much more real for me. 

I end with a fun poem from one of my favorite poets: Hafiz.  I think his poems are so visual and capture these deep, sometimes inexplicable things with humor and images.  I think this is the Hafiz interpretation of someone who forgets their enthusiasm...  Enjoy....

We Might Have To Medicate You

Resist your temptation to lieBy speaking of separation from God,

Otherwise,We might have to medicateYou.

In the oceanA lot goes on beneath your eyes.Listen,

They have clinics there tooFor the insaneWho persist in saying things like:"I am independent from theSea,

God is not always around

Gently Pressing againstMy body."

Bottom line for me...If I fall into a trap of persistence that I am "independent from the sea"...some one knock me over the head with this poem. 

Finally...to try and see where God is in all of this enthusiasm...at first it seemed obvious...God is in all things. But as I continued to reflect on my Questioner and Tap-Dancer personas...I came back to something I've written about and said before. At the deepest place of my being is where my passion is. That's where my questions are. That's where my journey continues. That's where I grow and learn the most. It's who I am at my core...and inside of me...that's where God is. Ok...so maybe there is more to this enthusiasm stuff.

What struck me the most was...I drew this card and thought SA-WEET...something easy. I can prance around all day and think about being enthusiastic. My reality was a very quiet and reflective day understanding a little more about where I find these characteristics that I sometimes forget are inside of me. It was definitely a surprise...and from the old definition of enthusiastic...inspiration from the presence of God.

I enthusiastically bid you adieu....thanks for reading.